my jeans don't fit

My jeans don't fit. I pooched out earlier with my second pregnancy than I did my first, and I guess the same would have been true for the third. At just 8 weeks, my jeans don't fit. This, coupled with the fact that I don't have any morning sickness anymore are the only two things that remind me of what's happening inside of my body right now.

It's weird to know that my child is in heaven, but his body is still inside of me. There haven't been any changes signs of miscarriage other than what I've already described. I had some mild cramping on Friday on my right side for about 30 minutes and wondered if maybe that was the beginning...but they went away and haven't come back. Who knows what that means.

I'm still numb. Still feel like this is a weird dream and I haven't cried much since the first day we found out. The thing that reduces me to tears in a heartbeat is the thought of having to have a D & C. I know what that procedure is. I've shared the details of that procedure with women making like and death decisions for over 10 years and I know the nitty, gritty details of the entire thing. I know the risks...I know it all.  And while I also know that my situation is entirely different from the women I've counseled over the years, I can't help but feel the way I feel.

So I'm still asking the Lord to let my body take over in His perfect timing and praying that my OB will give me as much grace and time as He feels is safe. I go back to see him next we'll see.

My husband has been amazing. He's been gentle and kind and so good to me. I think he's feeling something similar to what I am and we're trying to stay open and communicate with each other about it...but neither of of really wants to talk about it all the time. We spent some time away the last few days and tried to focus hard on having fun and being at peace. It was good.

The boys are doing ok. Every time we've seen someone who knew we were pregnant they feel like they need to tell them that mommy won't be having a baby anymore. Thankfully, this has only happened a few times and I know it's part of their grief. They seem to be my main concern right now. I look at them differently than I did before. If it's possible, they seem even more beautiful and precious to me than ever before. And I find myself not near as angry when they disobey or get into trouble.

That's a gift.

The hard thanksgiving.

Thank you for your prayers and kind words. I haven't responded to many of you, but I'm reading everything. You are grace to me and my family.

Much love,


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