How do I tell you what's been going on the last few weeks? Words are proving difficult to find for this writer. But I need a place to process all that's happening. How I've debated it...to share or not to share. A very private thing, or something that needs to be said...because that's what bloggers do...what I do. Writing is how I process. So process I must. Friends, I had hoped to be able to write to you today sharing news of a new life tucked inside my body, growing, wonderfully made. But that's not going to happen. After our first OB appointment on Wednesday, my husband and I found out that the newest addition to our family would never join our family this side of heaven. At seven (almost eight) weeks gestation, our sweet little one had no heartbeat and the yolk sac, usually a sign of normal, healthy pregnancy, was flat instead of round.
No heartbeat...no new baby.
We cried at the OB's office as the Sonographer, one of the best in our area, searched for that flicker to no avail. We cried as we shared the news with our hopeful little boys and watched them take it so very hard. We cried as we prayed together, asking God to be gentle and to take good care of our little one until we could get there.
And I haven't cried much since. Today, I feel numb...as if this is happening to someone else and not me. The only sign that brings me to reality is that my morning sickness, once so strong I struggled to even function, has vanished completely. Just one day after we didn't see or hear a heartbeat, the sickness is gone. I feel normal...still tired...but normal. Like nothing's wrong but I know there is.
We've decided to wait it out and ask God to allow us the grace of a natural miscarriage. I'm asking Him to spare me any medical procedures that would tear at my heart all the more. And I'm resting in the thoughts that I will never once have to worry about this little one's salvation. I'll never once have to worry if he'll get hurt, or make wrong choices. I'll never have to pray for his heart of stone to turn to a heart of flesh...because it already has.
In my prayers for this little one I had asked God to make him grow in wisdom, incline his heart toward God, give him the gift of music and grant him a laid back, joyful spirit. Every single one of those requests have been answered already. Right now, my little one is wiser than I, is seeing God face-to-face, is worshipping in splendor and awe with the very angels, and is experiencing a joy I can only begin to taste while on this earth.
He's not lost. He's found. Forever and always found and safe in the arms of his Creator.
But I still have to walk through the miscarriage. Would you pray with me friends? I've never done this before and I don't know exactly what to expect. There are no signs of miscarriage yet save my vanishing nausea and I know that it could happen any time, or that it could take weeks to complete. My doctor has agreed to give me as much time as he can, and for that I'm grateful. But I would still love your prayers. Not just for me, but for my sweet husband and my two precious boys.
My littlest is so sad. He's been asking Jesus for a baby for some time now. Today, as I tucked him in for a long nap, he laid his head on my tummy and said, "bye bye baby."
Bye bye baby.
I don't know if I'll be writing much until this is over. If I do, it will probably be related to what I'm experiencing and how God is moving and providing and taking care of us. Many of you will ask what you can do to help. Here are a few things I can think of:
1. Pray for God's mercy and a quiet, peaceful passing.
2. My IRL friends...don't worry about having the right words. I don't know how to tell you how I am anymore than you know how to ask. Please don't flood me with phone calls right now. I don't feel much like talking about it...a simple email or message saying you care is good until I can find my feet again. I'll let you know if I need something specific.
3. Share wisdom with me. I'm not sharing this to evoke sympathy or get more pageviews...I simply need to share for me...I need to process and I would love for those of you who have been there to share real, sound, practical, biblical wisdom if you feel so led. I'm closing comments because it just feels right, so please only contact me if you really feel a specific leading to do so.
4. I may not respond much on Twitter or Facebook or even comments here. I just don't want to right now and I can only ask for your understanding there and grace until I get my bearings once again.
And so the Lord gives and the Lord takes away...but my heart will chose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your Name."
Bye bye baby.
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